For the Love of Beard
by Skeasel
Summary: Silliness inspired by a thread on the DA2 forums.  Bethany and Aveline have a discussion about beards and various other topics.


Disclaimer: Bioware owns all, even the beards.

A/N: DA2 parody in honor of Inside_Joke from the DA2 forums and her (and her supporters) love of the power of the beard. Also, I do not endorse Nutella as an adhesive.

For the Love of Beard

It was a bright spring day, and the sun shone merrily down on the band of travelers. The group of four had been on the road for the past month, making their way north to the port city of Amaranthine. The journey had been difficult, to say the least, but they had established a comfortable routine and companionship during their time together.

The beauty of the day contrasted sharply with their surroundings, however. They had encountered another roaming band of darkspawn, and the fighting had been fierce. Bits of diseased corpses littered the roadside and villagers scurried to finish putting out the few fires that threatened the safety of their small town. The ragtag band of travelers made their way over to offer assistance.

It only took a few minutes before the villagers noticed the newcomers. As usual, they approached with caution, but then a young woman flung herself at Garrett's feet.

"It's you! Praise the Maker it's really you!" The young woman squealed in delight as she pressed her forehead to his leg and refused to budge. Garrett looked slightly uncomfortable at first as more villagers surrounded their small group. Bethany and Aveline exchanged irritated glances and Carver stood back with a humorous gleam in his eye.

The young woman motioned to her friends, still holding onto Garrett's leg, refusing to let him go. "This is the bearded man I told you about – the one who saved me from the bandits two days ago!"

Screams of excitement and delight filled the air as a gaggle of young women swarmed Garrett Hawke and fawned over him and his facial growth.

"Ooooh," one girl swooned as she stoked his beard tentatively.

"It's so soft," exclaimed another girl.

"'Tis indeed a mighty beard!" stated another.

Bethany looked to Aveline and jerked her head to the side. Aveline nodded in understanding. The two women had seen this sort of reaction before and found it best that they remove themselves from the situation, lest they vomit with disgust. Carver maintained his position next to Garrett, a look of pure mirth on his face, as Aveline and Bethany retraced their steps away from the village.

"Why does this have to happen every time we enter a village?" Bethany rolled her eyes in annoyance. "It's like they've never seen a man before."

Aveline sat down on a nearby rock and adjusted her gear. "You know he enjoys the attention. Garrett just loves to play the hero."

"Poor Carver, though. He just sits there while Garrett gets all the attention. You think he'd at least get a little sympathy play."

"Nah," Aveline had taken off her boot, emptying it of dirt and other debris gathered from their trek. "He doesn't have the beard, and those mage robes do nothing to show off his physique."

Bethany laughed lightly. "Yeah, he should probably run around shirtless. Although, since he _is_ my brother, I'm not sure how I'd feel about that."

Aveline laughed also, joining her friend in the merriment, then opened her pack and loudly rummaged through it. "My socks are missing. Have you seen them?"

"Why would I have seen your socks? You know I don't touch your stuff. They were probably stolen by sock gnomes."

Aveline looked up at Bethany, her face full of annoyance. "Sock gnomes? You know there's no such thing, right?"

Bethany shook her head vigorously. "I read about them in an old book that Mother had. Seriously," she added to Aveline's continued look of annoyance.

"Sock gnomes. Really?" She reached over into Bethany's pack and stole a pair of socks. "I think you're reading it wrong."

Bethany grunted. "Well, they _could_ exist." She turned her gaze back toward the village. Garrett was now amidst a swarm of young women, all fawning over his beard and sword-staff. He stood with arms akimbo, a huge grin on his face and white teeth gleaming in the sunlight. Carver continued to stand outside the fray, a mix of longing and irritation on his face.

"Garrett's really enjoying himself," Aveline stated, her gaze following Bethany's.

"Yes. You think Garret would get tired of the hormonal mobs." Bethany chewed her lip absent-mindedly. "You think we would get as much attention if we grew beards?"

Aveline snorted indignantly. "Unless you have a spell for that, I think we're out of luck."

Bethany looked back to Aveline and pointed to her pack. "What about that horse-hair beard you made? We could use that."

Aveline shook her head. "I'm not wearing that thing. It smells!"

"Well I told you not to make it from the tail. Of course it smells!"

"No, it smelled of something else, something even more rancid." Aveline scrunched her nose up at the memory. "It was foul, like moldy cheese." She gestured to Bethany's pack. "What about the one you made?"

"I had to throw it away. The Nutella I used to keep it stuck to my chin got into the hairs and it got all chunky. Plus, it made my face burn and itch for hours afterward." Bethany shrugged. "It wasn't very long anyway, so I wasn't able to braid it like I had planned."

"Yeah," Aveline nodded absentmindedly. "Braided beards are nice – especially with beads."

"Yeah," Bethany nodded as well, a dreamy look on her face. She came back to herself and looked again at her two brothers. Carver was attempting to make conversation with a village girl, but she was too distracted by Garrett. Garrett had shifted his pose into something more heroic, an even larger grin was plastered across his face, his muscles gleaming in the sunlight. Bethany felt her gorge rise and tried to quell the storm brewing in her stomach.

"That's the most disgusting display of narcissism that I think I've ever seen." Aveline stated as she turned her gaze from Garrett to Bethany.

"Yeah," she said again, "sometimes I can't believe we're related." Bethany bent down and rummaged through her pack. "Aha!" she exclaimed, a stick of kohl in her triumphant hands. "We can use this!"

Aveline nodded slightly. "We could, but it won't look realistic."

They had started their parody of Garrett's beard when the first pre-pubescent girl had brazenly ran her fingers through his facial hair and then promptly fainted. It was a topic of much discussion and hilarity between Bethany and Aveline on those late nights at watch in camp. Bethany frowned at her friend. "Of course it's not realistic. We're women with beards!"

"Oh alright." Aveline relented and reluctantly stood to be bearded. Bethany giggled slightly as she drew stubble on Aveline's chin.

"There, you now have a goatee."

"What? How come I don't get the full beard?"

Bethany tried to smile innocently. "Because your jaw line is just too pretty to hide?"

Aveline rolled her eyes and stuck out her hand. "Here, give me the kohl." She tilted Bethany's head slightly up and to the right, and then attempted to capture the amazing power of the follicle on her friend's face. "Okay, you're done. From far away it should look like a beard, but up close…well. You just look like your face is really dirty."

Bethany shrugged indifferently. "It'll have the desired impact." She shouldered her pack as Aveline put her boot back on. Together and bearded the two women headed back into the village.

"So what do you think will happen when we get to Amaranthine?"

Bethany pondered for a moment. "You know I hear they have a specific species of seahorse that breed there, and only there, this time of year."

"Really. Hmph."

"Yeah," Bethany had a look of concentration on her face as she remembered where she got the information. "I read about it in that one book of my mothers. Those seahorses are the only species that actually grow beards. Some sort of defense against predators, I think."

Aveline raised an eyebrow in disbelief. "And I suppose you want to see these seahorses?"

"Yes," she stated enthusiastically. "I shall capture a seahorse and he shall be named Wilson!"

Aveline barked a laugh. "If you say so. C'mon, let's get your brothers before the mob of hormones overwhelms them. We've got a package to deliver."

The End

A/N: Thanks for reading, and to everyone on the bearding thread in the DA2 forums for the inspiration. Reviews/comments are welcome, so feel free to post.


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